Being Big

Big. Hefty. Fluffy. Fat.

There are so many words that are used today to describe people who are larger then what is considered healthy, and even to be considered “beautiful” you must be the right weight. In today’s world image is everything. Especially to a young woman. Is my hair right? Do I have the right clothes? Did I do my makeup well enough? Ugh how do I lose this weight? Even girls who are not in the slightest “fluffy” think that they are too fat for beauty standards. Let me say this I am a big girl, and I have struggled since I was thirteen with my weight, a constant pull back and forth with losing and gaining weight. The yo-yo effect, and I hear it all the time if you want to lose weight you need to do [insert your advice]. I have tried to just eat healthy, not only is it hard (especially as a full time student, and a full time worker), it is also expensive and sometimes i can’t afford to just buy healthy food. I also know I am an emotional eater something that is very, very hard to get a handle on, because once you are used to eating when you are upset or angry it is hard to get out  of that habit. Working out is something I actually enjoy doing but finding the time to work out thirty minutes three to four times a week is difficult when your time is taken up with school, homework, family time, and going to work. I am NOT trying to make excuses for myself or my weight problem. I am giving you the reasons why I got to be a “big girl”. I love food, especially good food.

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I love sweets, and not just candy. I love making things from scratch. And when you love food, but are a picky eater losing the weight to become “beautiful” is hard. Telling me I wear my weight well, or you don’t look like you weigh that much, or you are pretty for a big girl, can be just as hurtful as just telling me I’m fat(sometimes I would prefer if you just called me fat. I know I am). When you struggle to find clothes that fit you in your own closet, your down to your last two fitting pairs of pants(and they are starting to get tight)and you just can’t go out and buy new clothes every time you gain some weight. It is a real struggle for hundreds of girls if not thousands. I get emotional about my weight I couldn’t tell you how many times I have cried in frustration about my weight. I know every girls story of her weight is different, some medical, some emotional, but the world telling you, you are not beautiful because your body (something you can’t always control) doesn’t fit their standards of beauty. Well screw them cause if you are happy with the way you look, and you are trying your hardest and you own your body shape and you are confident. Well babe you are gorgeous.

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It’s the hardest thing any girl will have to do, accept your body. Know you are beautiful no matter your shape.

 I am still struggling. I don’t feel beautiful. I hide my body the best I can and don’t draw attention when I can.

This is my struggle.

Feeling Meh

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This last week, I could think of nothing to write about all week. To be honest it’s been a crazy week. Full of stress, surprises, and lots of work. I am way behind in my school stuff this last week, and I just feel meh this whole week. I don’t know any other way to describe the way I feel this last week. I couldn’t muster a single good idea for a blog post. So i will just tell you how i am feeling now, I have a College Algebra test in 30 minutes then i am dreading, my physical science class literally almost puts me to sleep. (I wish i didn’t need that class at all) My history class to be honest we barely get a lecture in before the end of class because we spend class time talking about current events in the world. Which of course isn’t bad but it makes us fall behind schedule.

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I am not made for the world of math and science, in all honesty it hurts my head. I would rather be reading a good book, or playing a game or painting a picture.

I am not Ashamed

Jesus Freak-n.

Someone who displays an unusual or embarrassing amount of enthusiasm for Jesus.

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Religion in society is deemed almost taboo to talk about in certain places here in American Society. School and the work place, are the best examples. To talk about ones religion openly in these public places, just seems to open a can of worms. So for the most part the majority just refuses to talk them and avoids the subject fervently.  Why are we afraid of the controversy? Why are we ashamed to say I believe in Christ? Why should I be ashamed to talk about my faith in Jesus? This is what I believe. I don’t want to shove my beliefs down your throat like some Christians, but if you were to ask me about it, I would gladly share my views. I also know many refuse to believe there could be a God if there is so much evil and suffering in the world. All I can say to that is that God gave mankind the freedom of choice, and it is human choices that has led the world to the place it is now. Now I know some Christians give my religion a bad taste in your mouth. You know who I am talking about the bible thumping, your going to hell unless you repent, screaming in your face “Christians.”  I do not stand with them, I strive to love like Jesus loved. NO I am no where near perfect, and yes I am sinner and I struggle with my demons daily, but that doesn’t change my faith or belief. My personal belief is that we are here to love each other and help others when you can and sometimes when you think you really can’t. I don’t condemn people for who they love, or the things they have done. If that is the way the good Lord made you, so be it. I have no place to judge another, for I am not the judge. I am not afraid and I am not ashamed to say I am a Christian.

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Never Been Kissed

No this is not a post about the Drew Barrymore movie. (though i do enjoy that movie) This post is a little more personal to me. A kiss is such a big moment in everyone’s life, it’s the step in the direction of growing up, meeting someone you care about or at least attracted to, and sharing of the first kiss. Most people have had the first kiss by the time they are 16 some a little later, but majority before they reach the age of 20. But I am an anomaly. I am 25 years old and a few months I will be 26 and I have Never Been Kissed. The First question I get is Are you saving yourself for Religious reasons? or maybe for your wedding? The answer to both of those is no. Cause I know some people don’t kiss or even hug until after they are married which in my opinion is just CRAZY. I am

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Have been (obviously). That’s why I have never been kissed, I have never so much as held a hand of a boy who I wasn’t related to. So why am I writing this post? Do I just want people to feel bad for me? Again the answer is NO. I don’t care if you feel bad for me, or just sorry for me. I want to raise some awareness, that not everyone shares the same life experiences and you shouldn’t assume things about people. That is the worst thing I’ve experienced especially in some college classes, they want you to relate things to your first relationship or your first kiss, well I’m sorry to burst that bubble but I have nothing to draw on for that, and I won’t lie it hurts when people get that look in their eyes cause they feel sorry for me. Or that they don’t understand how “someone as great as me” or  “as sweet as me” has never been asked out or dated. I have also been assumed as gay since I’ve never had a boyfriend, which I can assure I am not, cause girls don’t float my boat that way. I have also been accused of having too high of standards, I just know for me is that the purpose of dating is to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, and if that means I don’t waste time with fantasies or boys who just want one thing, well that is that and I am who I am.  I am a bit of a weirdo, who would rather be home reading a book or watching a Disney movie then going out to a party. I would rather find out when the next Marvel movie is coming out, or playing Sims. To be honest (again) generally at a party I make friends with the pets first. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely, or I wish I didn’t wish to be like everyone else and be able to casually date. I go through fits of sadness, and depression, and I wonder what is wrong with me? Wonder why I never get asked out. I wonder if anyone else is like me out there. I feel alone and that no one shares this experience with me. So this leads me to believe that I might become the next inspiration for the next 40 year old virgin movie.

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Serious or Not?

I have been debating on writing a serious post or not. Cause i know blogs are suppose to be whre you put your opinions but with the way most of social media is today I am afraid of some sort of backlash for my opinion. I know very few people actually look at this blog so i should just go ahead and say what i feel, but this does not help the underlying fear of putting my thoughts and opinions out there bare like an online dairy. Do i really want to the world to know what I’m feeling? Or what I truly think? Should i stay with light fluff pieces that will never get any real attention?

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Part of me wants to stand out and get noticed and other says stay were you are don’t do anything that could potential get you hurt.  I am always doing the safer thing. I don’t take chances. Maybe I should just say what I’m thinking, and state my opinions and let the chips fall were they may… I need think on it some more.

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